May Gullets.

I had a near-death experience today at school. A part of my childhood died, together in a catastrophe that could only be described as of epic proportions. It was a monumental clash of elements, quite equal to the wars and grand sessions of butt sex only Greek GODS experienced. Today, I woke as a girl. Tonight, I will go to sleep, a man at last. 

I was only an innocent bystander. Waiting for the bus is a cold and tedious sport; and so my habit for witnessing secret, horrifying events was born. 

I was paralyzed on my frozen concrete ledge as the gayest boy I've ever seen swished past. And I don't mean this is a derogatory way at all - short of the delightful Russell Brand, this was the gayest man I'd seen in the flesh. The trumpets blared, God* commanded the Seraphims to serenade the land with the sweet lisps of Big Gay Al, and suddenly I was overcome by the word 'fierce.' 

But of course, there is no light without the dark. 

While I was still caught in thrall of the glistening aura of SO GAY, a new player entered the stage. And suddenly, I knew balance. This fantastically gay boy had an equal. 

...In the form of a rabidly straight hillbilly, who was blasting a Toby Keith power ballad. But that's not all. He also had one of these sick puppies stapled to the back of his skull. 

...And I do mean sick puppy. I saw it kick and whimper, trying to escape. But that's beside the point.

I thought they would cause an explosion. Gay and Mullet Do. Not. Mix. Under any circumstances. I was sure the gay boy would call upon his brethren for some Fashion Police Brutality. The Mullet would then locate the gay boy by feeling the telltale tingle in his prostate, and commence the traditional 'Fag-Drag.'

And, no, that doesn't mean catwalks and fabulous clothes. 

But my fears were unfounded. Perhaps the gay boy liked Toby Keith, or maybe the Mullet was in denial. Either way, they made eye contact, and then went their separate ways. 

And I was the ONLY witness. Thank goodness Mr. Bunions was settled for his nap. 

*Christianity: The belief that some cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

- mr. bunions drools when he sleeps.